Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Let me tell you the story about How I Met Your Highness...

Alright... you guys are old enough. I'm gonna tell you the story of how I met Your Highness. Now I know you may have heard it. Someone may have told you already. But you heard the short version. There's a bigger story and it's important for you to hear. If you think you're being punished for something, then chances are, you're gonna die alone anyway. This may take a while, but...

Once upon a time, before I was this awesome, I had this whole other life. It was back in 2008. I was a single broken man, my hair was that of a rat's nest, and I had no direction in life whatsoever. Life was shit, until one October night when I came across this amazing profile on PlentyOfFish.com. Something about it-- you could tell it wasn't some 14 year old kid that wrote it... or some middle aged, overweight male... or a dog... it was genuine. It bothered me some that she wasn't a fan of Corvettes, but seeing the pictures made up for the fact.

One picture in particular stood out. She was dressed up as Wonder Woman. Now although, at the time, I was in the mindset of Bizarro, deep down still lived Superman fighting to get out. It was almost kismet for me to find this profile and I knew I had to message her. But anyone who's attempted online dating knows that to be a male trying to get the attention of a female is about as difficult a task as opening a twist off metal cap off a bottle of beer -- it can be done, but you're gonna really have to put some careful effort into it so you don't chip a tooth (ie: your ego).

"Hey, what's going on?"
"Wow. You look hot! How r u?"
"Yo, wanna chat?"

All the generic, one-line messages that guys usually send that makes them think 'Yeah... this'll win her over.'
But kids, this is the wrong play. You don't want to be a carbon copy. As it is, the reason I got into meeting someone online is because at a bar, a woman's guard is already up and for every one female, there's 10 guys already eyeing her. No, no, I had to be different. And it couldn't be easier than having had my competition set it up for me. I wrote her a personal note, mentioning things from her profile, as well as mentioned her in Wonder Woman gear and how it's only perfect for Superman to have a drink with her.

And so on October 29th, I Blu'd out with some leather wrist bands and bracelets and donned my white bandanna à la Bret Michaels and trekked over to the Island of Staten to have a drink with her. I've never been so I was clearly out of my element like a white boy in the Bronx which happened to me back when I was about sixteen years old. I had gon-- wait, I'll get to that another time. I picked up this *wonder*ful woman and we went to a little place called Cargo just by the ferry. Normally, I'd say don't go to eat for a first date so that if you don't click, you can finish your drink and call it a night. But it seemed right. So we had some food, we had some drinks, I fought this giant, fire-breathing cockroach for her honor, and-- what? Oh... yeah...

Just like the biblical days of Yore, in order to win the fair maiden's heart, I was put in a battle against this 9 foot tall -- I overestimate... maybe 8 and a half -- cockroach. I had sent the powerful beast to a corner and remarked that we would cross horns at a later time, but the beast would have none of it! I could tell the fair maiden was in distress as a trickle of sweat started to form upon her brow. She tried her best to maintain the conversation and eye contact, and I tried just as much to distract her. Suddenly, she looked in panic as she stated "Oh me, oh my, I cannot see whereth upon the beast has gone!" Nevertheless, I continued to try and distract her from the impending danger by asking her about herself. Just listening to her voice was enough to have me lose myself in a moment of bliss and ecstasy. But I knew I must be cautious, for the beast could be anywhere.

It was then that I noticed him. Creeping ever so quietly and stealthly beside her. I must not provoke him for the slightest jerk can alarm him. I must not make eye contact, for the slightest stare could turn the toughest man to stone. But I must protect her honor. I fiddled with my sword that I so cleverly disguised as a cocktail napkin, came around to her side of the bench, and despite looking like a creeper for a slight moment, I put my arm around her only to reach over and slay the mighty 13 foot tall beast. Fuck you, he grew.

I know I mentioned that it was a fire-breathing cockroach and no where in the story did he breath fire, but just-- you know.... okay?

Where was I? Oh yeah, so we chatted. There was a moment or two where I was over-sharing, but when I eventually shut the fuck up and let her talk, there was something about her voice and her eyes that I just got so lost in. Yeah, I definitely needed to get to know this girl.

We finished our drinks and I drove her home. In front of her place, we each mentioned how great a night we had and how the second date shouldn't wait too long to happen. I could tell she wanted to kiss good night, but being a perfect gentleman, I insisted we don't on a first date and wished her a good night's sleep, adding that I look forward to hearing from her. I kissed her on the cheek, she smiled, and she went home.

I'm sure she'll tell you it went down different. Something about how I went to get a kiss on the cheek, and at the last minute, turned my face to steal one on the lips and how she was too smart for it and still hit her mark on the cheek and told me "Nice try" and said good night with a laugh and went home... whatever.

The stars did align that night. Something went right. Whether inadvertently or intentional, it did. Because in that week, we had two more dates. But I'll save those for another time. And six months later, we were engaged. And another year and a half later to that, we got married. And that kids, is how I met Your Highness. The Queen of my heart. The Daisy to my Luigi. The woman who continuously puts up with my shit.

Happy 5 Years Together, Anissa!