Sunday, March 3, 2013

"Somewhere along the path, I lost sight of it all..."

I have a vague recollection of myself. Once upon a time, I wanted to write, and act, and perform, and on that track, I picked up magic. And then, it started to diminish. It started to slip out of my fingers and out of my grasp. Not because I no longer cared for it. On the contrary: I could want nothing more. But somewhere along the path, I lost sight of it all.
It's funny, before I even started writing tonight, I basically sat here and stared at a blank monitor for a good fifteen or twenty minutes before I even began to know where I wanted to start. And it's been a long time coming for me to want to write... well, anything at all, let alone something like this. Although, you wouldn't have known it if you've interacted with me in any way, but the past few months have been quite a dark episode, and I'm only now starting to feel... ok? I guess... with it.

"''re so funny, man, you should be a comedian, God damn!'
Unfortunately, I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown..." ~>'Beautiful' by Eminem

I was never one to seek out the pity and empathy of others. The last thing I've ever wanted was someone to feel sorry for me. It was something of an homage to Margot Kidder's Lois Lane in 1978's Superman: "You've got me... who's got you?" For no other reason other than to be the hero, I made myself out to be everyone's savior. And with that, I always forgot to look out for myself. Even so, as I said, I was never one to see out the pity and empathy of others. But in that same sense, it would scream volumes to know that there actually are people who are concerned. Just a little message or comment to say 'Hey... everything alright?' I would have told you yes, but those two little words... it really could have helped. And aside from my beautiful and amazing and 'doesn't-have-to-deal-with-my-shit-but-does' wife, Anissa, I can probably count on one hand how many of you have done that, and still be able to use the remote for my TV. So to those of you that did, thank you. I really do appreciate it.
Now this is where it's going to get interesting. Because now, the masses are going to bombard me with messages out of guilt and remorse and be "Oh my god, is everything ok? If you need to talk, I'm here. Anything you need, let me know." I'll save you the trouble because that's exactly what I'm writing about. So, how about that?: you're off the hook.
To start, the exact reason I've had such a negative standpoint the past few months, that's something I'm saving for a different post. I know, I know, now the majority of you are disappointed cause you can't pretend like you're going to be able to help me feel better. No worries, because there wouldn't really have been anything you can do.
What else? Well, I come from virtually a broken family. My sister lives in Florida and I try to live it like she's still a bus ride away. My mother is clearly unhappy here in New York and I'm trying my best to help her find contentment. My father... heh... can't tell you the last time I spoke to my father. Maybe the spring of 2011. And you really do not want me to get into aunts, uncles, and cousins. Because a good portion of them can all go to hell.
Oh, how can I forget! I've clearly made absolutely no progress in my career. I've really no one to blame but myself. Actually, it was just last week when I decided to try and take hold of the reigns on this horse ride once again. I started going through some of my writings, some of my staged productions, some ideas I had jotted down, and really tried to figured out where exactly I lost track of this. Will I be able to hold on or fall flat on my face once again is a whole 'nother story.
Then there's just the stupidity I have to deal with day in and day out. It's almost comical how incredibly idiotic people have become over the years. I mean, remember when common sense and logical thinking were a way of life? You might as well put them on the side of a milk carton. And then this stupid mayor of this retarded city. I often joke, they assassinate JFK, but Bloomberg gets away with slowly breaking down this city for twelve years? Is it really because of his money? Or is it because everyone's just become to lazy to listen to someone new? And in the about 4 years I've lived on Staten Island, the toll has gone up five freaking dollars. That's more than a dollar a year, which would be ridiculous to begin with. I can't do Staten Island anymore. And then there's just the consistent lack of prioritizing about what our goals and purposes should be... yes, Pix11 Morning News, there may be heavy traffic on the expressway and maybe the weather may mess up my commute, but tell me more about how Linda Church is in the fucking Poconos tubing and sledding every other segment because I don't think your facebook fan of the day quite got it yet!

But I digress.
Maybe I shouldn't be entirely too negative. There have been some ups that have occurred. I mean, I've got an incredible wife by my side who is my best friend, my rock, and my life's foundation. And who can complain about that? Regardless of all the negativity I face and put out there, somehow, she's able to just make it all go away with just a smile. She's the reason I wake up every morning and be who I am and do what I can. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for her saving me from basically myself, I don't think I'd have the desire to even care anymore. I gotta say, it's amazing how someone can have that impact on your life. But she is just that, and I cannot show her enough how eternally grateful I am for that.
I had also set out a challenge back in October to eat clean and healthy for 180 days (exactly 6 months to my birthday). It went all good and well for a couple months and then-- well, we'll get to that another day. But it did go well for about 2 months. I wasn't exactly trying, but I managed to lose 25 pounds, bringing me to my goal weight and I really hope it was fat that I lost. And I did hit a brick wall, but I didn't gain it back, so I've decided to pick up the challenge again and what the hell, we'll start it today, March 3rd. Let's see what 180 days can do of clean eating and working out can do.
We've got a cruise coming up which will be amazing because nothing beats being somewhat disconnected from the goddamn world for a good week. Blu.SB has been having an good turnout as more and more people decide they wanna bedazzle their flash drives. Oh, and I guess I should put something about my friends here, right? Cause they're all amazing.
...I hate about 80% of you. The majority of the ones that I don't all live out of state. That puts very little of you within range of hanging out. Honesty's a bitch, but you deal with it when you get it because it's a weakening quality very few have. And that's a positive thing, right? Being honest. ;-)

That's really all I have to write for now. And wow, it did feel good to write again. I should do this more often. In the meanwhile... time to get back on track...

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